He called it a “bad break” golf game… even asked if it was depressing to watch. Honestly the thought never crossed my mind. It’s true the tiny white ball landed in all the wrong places… pampas grass, hard packed ground, pine needles, bottoms of trees, and roots blocking the way. That poor boy spent more time hitting out of sand (I call it beach golf.) in this one golf tournament than all others combined this year. I guess you could call it a round of “bad breaks”. I guess you could chalk all those challenges up to bad or good depending on where the ball lands. There was a time I thought life was like that too.
The lyrics of a song my mom sings when times seemed to be rough floats through my thoughts.
“Gloom, despair and agony on me.
Deep dark depression excessive misery.
If it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all.”
She would sing that song and I would giggle with the silliness of it. Still there are times I thought good and bad might just be about luck, but its not. It was a dangerous perspective leaving me to ask one question, “WHY?” There’s not much of an answer to the age old question, “Why do bad things happen.” They just do, and this is the way of life in a broken world.
Bible study this week revealed to me the words to explain what I’ve learned about this very issue. She talks about the idea of more. How God has the ability to multiply and we never really get to a place of attainment when it comes to Jesus. Sitting among the beautiful women in small group it dawns on me. God created us with a desire for more. The only problem… I often want more of the wrong thing.
The internal drive to have more… want more… be more can lead us right to the why question over and over. We strive, we fall, we ask why. We curse our bad luck and at times even give up on ever having something good in our lives. And this… this is exactly where God wants us. Broken by all the worldly wanting until we realize we’ve been wanting for more in all the wrong places.
I was caught in the cycle for so many years. Wanting more is a dead end road that led me right to the Land of Not Enough. I worked so hard to be who I thought I should be… smart, hard working, happy. I wanted more success and money. I wanted to please everyone and to make those closest to me proud. I wanted a well kept house at all times. I wanted to be an extrovert who could connect easily with others and have the most romantic marriage. I even wanted to be the “perfect” example of a Christian. I wanted and wanted and wanted.
I wanted myself right into a puddling heap on the laundry room floor… angry, miserable, confused, and asking “why?” On this side I can see I was exactly where Jesus wanted me. It’s the place I finally recognized the true More I needed. The only More that will ever fill me up. My perspective changed that day. It felt risky and left me trembling on some level. I asked for more of Him no matter the circumstance or luck or bad break round I found myself facing… all I asked and still ask is for more Jesus.
I recognized this week I haven’t asked “why” in a long time. Not because my circumstances are perfect. Every single day has its own struggle. The next few months will be hard for my family as we face a tough challenge. This very day I’ll sing my goodbyes at the memorial service of a close family friend… one funeral in a string of funerals I’ve attended over the last six months. There’s mounds of laundry scattered throughout the house and the floors need sweeping. All these circumstances that led me to ask why now lead me in a different direction. I find myself most often asking “What?” What are you teaching me Lord? What about this will bring me closer to you? What can I do to share You with others? These are the questions that lead us to Him, and the more I ask them… the more I want Him because wanting more of Him is freedom! Wanting more of Him is joy!
Wanting more of Him. Is. ENOUGH!