I confess it took me by surprise. Sent me into a tail spin… knocked me for loop. Like I feel I’ve circled right back to the beginning of the enough journey. Way back to the time it reared it’s ugly head in my college years. The time I took up residence in the Land of Not Enough and became a slave to fear.
My momma reminded me a few days ago how when I was in labor with the oldest I looked at her and said, I’ve made a mistake. I thought this was a good idea but it wasn’t. I can’t do this, let’s just not do this.
But I know now what I didn’t know then. The other side of labor reveals wide open spaces in the daughter I’m blessed to call my own.
When I returned from the long Saturday journey full of new I wanted to say the words I was thinking. I wanted to sit right down and send the I’ve made a mistake and I can’t do this e-mail. Fear had me in a panic feeling like I never left the land He’s been leading me out of for so long.
And just like parenting this new journey is taking me to unknown places, entering new lands, and driving over tall exit ramps. (More on the subject of ramps later.) I could stop now. Sit right down in two year old fashion and refuse to take another step.
It’s the way fear works. The enemy using my most vulnerable areas to attack. How weird it is to feel like giving up and know the Spirit is calling me forward. I’ll not choose the former.
Because going back only leads to prison cells. They might feel comfortable, familiar plastered like wallpaper on all sides. But a prison is a prison, and living enough means living free.
My sister sends the prayer for me… full of wide open spaces and I get it. Leaving what we know to journey in the new takes faith. Believing when He calls, He makes a way. No matter how my hands shake or how fast my heart beats. Faith is not the absence of fear, but the courage to keep moving in spite of it.
I sang the words to the Dixie Chic song. Yes, even country music can speak to my soul. The tune played through my head as the sun awoke and painted deep pink over the hay meadow.
To find a dream and life of her own
A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone.
She needs wide open spaces,
Room to make the big mistakes.
She needs new faces,
She knows the higher stakes…
Whew! This is gonna take some work, not mine but His. Willingness is all I’ve got, and for now it is enough.