L.O.N.E. and LONErs

I used to live there, sometimes I return, to a place I call the Land of Not Enough–L.O.N.E. for short. Maybe you’ve been there too. The place where nothing and everything is “Not Enough.”

L.O.N.E. was a dark and gloomy place with dreadful weather. The sun never shined enough, rarely enough rain watered the ground. The temperature climbed too high or fell too low. And oh how the wind howled through every season constantly screaming, “You’re not enough… you never will be!”

Fear was my mode of transportation in the land. Moving, moving, always moving in the hopes of being or finding enough. Yet nothing satisfied. No relationship or possession. No amount of education or career achievement. I built houses on streets named Money or Time… Tall or Skinny… Talented or Smart. And none of these were ever enough.

Residents of the land were do-it-yourselfers, independent people who never asked for help. Because if you did achieve enough with someone’s help it wasn’t REALLY enough. I was a LONEr, a citizen of the land. I trudged through my days with a smile on my face and discontent hidden in every corner of my mind. It stirred my jealousy when others seemed to have enough. Judgement crept in when others missed the mark. This was a land where no authentic relationship could be found.

Throughout my life in the land there were many opportunities to move out. There were times I heard of a better place… whisperings of a different way. I happened on others who somehow found a place where they were enough, but I couldn’t imagine it. A place free from striving and working and fear. A Kingdom whose ruler loved no matter the achievement or failure. Where residents didn’t have to obtain enough.

Could this place be real? Did it exist? A Kingdom where just being me would be enough for the King? Would He really want me to live there? Did He know I am worn, weary, and at my absolute best I’m not enough? Did He realize I would be a burden… a total fixer-upper? Did He know I am not worth it?

Still the new land and its King beckoned me come…

I packed my bags and moved to the outskirts of the new land. Maybe I could blend in, and learn to fit in with the others. It was a large Kingdom and if I worked hard, did my best, kept a low profile, I might go unnoticed. As long as I never came face to face with the King it might work out. Because meeting Him face to face was a horrifying thought. He would know, would see right through me. I knew I would never be enough and He knew it too.

Year after year I worked. I strived for a strong faith. I studied the law of the new land, and shared the good news with those around me. I watched as the King granted freedom to others, healed their wounds, stitched up their broken hearts. I witnessed the King pour out grace upon grace and heard them testify of His goodness. This was a King like no other. One who sought out the lost and made them heirs to the throne.

Oh, how I wanted to be close to the King, to be able to enter His presence and feast at His table. Is it possible I misunderstood the invitation? Could it be He intended from the beginning to draw me in, make me more than a outskirt-living resident? If He knew the real me inside and out, would He even want me? Was there enough courage in me to crawl to the foot of His throne and risk the rejection?

Slowly, slowly I gathered the remnants of baggage I brought from the Land of Not Enough. I packed them neatly and began the journey to meet the King face to face. I trembled and quaked with fear. This was the only sacrifice I had. The only thing left to offer to the King. Maybe just maybe He could wipe away my not enough and do what I never could do on my own.

This is my story, the story of a girl who once lived in the Land of Not Enough. A girl rescued and adopted by the King. A girl risking all she knows to live as a daughter of the Most High.

A beautiful unfolding of a girl free to be… enough.